How to Distract a Colonel
by Little-Miss-Pessimistic
Summary: When Jack's suffering from technobabble overload, he comes up with ways to distract Sam. Post Threads, S/J. Pure fluff
1. Chapter 1

This little story takes place after Threads (how cliché).

Jack's slowly learning the different ways to distract Sam.

I've got a few more ideas for chapters but I'm marking this as complete as it can be read alone.

Jack was slowly learning how to distract her. The first time it happened they were stood in her kitchen.

Sam was talking a million miles a minute whilst refilling her glass of water from the tap. Jack had zoned out of the conversation about 10 minutes ago. Well to call it a conversation was polite. It was more like a boring maths lesson.

Since they started dating, he was trying his best to make sure he listened to everything she said. He wanted to play the part of the attentive… boyfriend? Eurgh no. They were far too old for the "B" word. The attentive partner? Were the serious enough for that word? Lover? That definitely conjured up some filthy images in his mind that he definitely did not need when he was introducing her to people. Hmmm… maybe they should *talk* about labels?

Oh no…he realised his mind had wandered again. He turned up his listening skills to max, he *needed* to try better at being concentrating when she speaks about… whatever the hell she was talking about. They'd only been seeing each other in a more personal sense for less than 6 weeks. He couldn't fail to pay attention so early.

But it was *so* hard. He understood the individual words she was saying but when she put them together in a sentence, they all just jumbled up in his brain. He tried his hardest to follow her train of thought but who was he kidding. He definitely wasn't the dumbest guy in most rooms, no matter how hard he pretended to be. But when he was in a room with her, he was definitely not the smartest. She was just so brilliant.

He was stood next to her in the kitchen ever so slightly leaning onto the counter and arms folded across his chest. One foot raised to scratch the back of his denim clad calf.

 _Okay, O'Neill….Pay attention…._

He tilted his head to the side and nodded his head every few sentences to make it look like he was following some of what she was saying.

Okay so she was talking about the engine in the Daedalus. Something to do with the material and the hyperdrive and the hydro-exo-thingamy? Was that one word or 2 words? Surely, she knows by now that he didn't understand what she was saying.

His eyes drifted to the window behind her. It was a sunny Saturday morning and it would be a shame to waste a rare day like this. They both seldom got whole days off work, let alone whole days together. Usually, if he was off on the weekend, she would be off-world. When she was back Earth-side, he was usually elbow deep in paper-work and wanting to bang his head against the wall. So this was rare.

Maybe they could go for a walk along the hilly trail they'd found a few weeks ago. Nah… his muscles were complaining from the extra -long gym session he did with Teal'c yesterday and they hadn't quote forgiven him. God he missed the days he could burn off all the chocolate cake by casually running from the Go'auld. Sadly, enduring long diplomatic meetings and endless lectures about rocks doesn't have the same effect. In fact it has the opposite.

Maybe something more relaxing…like they could go sit in his big garden. He has a blanket somewhere and they could set it up near the giant tree where they could cuddle up together (dear Lord he was going soft). She could read that book she's had on his bed side table for a week. He could take a nap and then when he wakes up, maybe he could distract her from the book by trailing kisses on her neck to her ear lobe…The thought definitely made him happy and a small smile splayed on his face.

*Clack!*

Jack's eyes shot back down as he saw Sam's hand releasing the glass she had just put down on the counter top. He realised he wasn't paying attention again. Why is he so bad at this? He cares about her, he respects her, so why can't he seem to just pay attention?

He brought his eyes back to her to make sure she hadn't noticed. Nope…she was on a roll. Had she stopped to breathe yet? How can she say so many words about one subject? Jack was sure he couldn't say that many words about every subject he could think of.

But god she was mesmerising when she did spew technobabble. Her hair was wet and slicked back from her shower. She was wearing a hideous oversized t-shirt that was slightly tucked into some very tight jeans. Her cheeks were faintly tinged red and she was out of breath from the excitement of her words. Her eyes were so bright and energised.

She was just so beautiful. And God…he was so in love with her. Jack had the sudden urge to kiss her. Not just a quick and casual kiss. A long hard kiss. He was restraining from any movement so hard…. When he realised…

He doesn't need to restrain himself anymore. He can kiss her whenever he wants. His mouth curved up in a leery smile and he got a predatory glint in his eyes.

Sam continued to prattle on "…use the remainder of the particles and integrate them within the engine to really…Jack… why are you smiling like that? Are you even listen-"

Within moments, Jack took the short step to be in front of her, simultaneously pulling her to him.

"Ooomph!" was the last noise Sam made as Jack's lips descended on hers. Her body relaxed instantly into his. Her hands went to his neck; one slowly trailing down to his chest whilst the other cradled his head. Jack spun them around so that she was pressed between him and the counter. The moment was hard and passionate.

And just as quickly as it started, it was over. The urge for oxygen became too much and he raised his head so that their lips parted ways. An act which was met with a hum of protest by Sam.

He looked down at her as he rested his forehead on her own. Her eyes had glazed over and were out of focus. Her lips had parted as she sucked in air and her cheeks were pinker than before. She was glorious.

"Sorry," said Jack. "You were saying…"

She looked at him, confused and dazed. "What..?"

Well, that was one way to shut her up.


	2. Chapter 2

Set between season 8 and 9! A continuation from chapter one.

General Jack O'Neill stood at the entrance of her lab watching her work.

Sam was sat on a stool at her lab bench with oversized goggles on her forehead. She was alternating between typing on her laptop and drawing gobbledegook on the whiteboard next to her. Alright, Jack knew it was important math, but it definitely looked like gibberish to him.

She had tried to explain it to him 5 days ago in her kitchen. She was working on some formula and theory to do with black holes, supernovas and subatomic particles. Those were the only words that Jack could understand as she talked a million miles a minute.

A smirk grew on his face as he fondly remembered how he distracted said Lt. Col from her monologue on theoretical astrophysics. Unfortunately, he didn't think it would be entirely appropriate to kiss his former second-in-command on the base, as if his life depended on it.

Technically, they weren't doing anything wrong as Sam's transfer had already been approved and so had his promotion to DC. They hadn't let the relationship get further than a few steamy kisses though.

After the whole Kerry incident in his back yard and then Jacob's death, they both agreed that they wanted to change the nature of their relationship to a more personal one. However, he wanted to give her time to grieve and after an awkward first date where she called him "sir" several times and a request to go for a walk ended up sounding like an order, they decided to take things a lot slower and go back to basics.

The care, love and affection they both had for each other was there, but they'd spent so long building walls and personas around each other. They agreed after that date, it was just going to take them a little while to get accustomed to their new relationship dynamic.

In fact, it only took 2 weeks before they were making out like horny teenagers on his roof. But it took every inch of his self-control not to let it get any further. Not until their new orders were confirmed. He respected her way too much to act like that. She, on the other hand did not care and was very forward in their make-out sessions. So hot. In fact, just the other day she reached out and touched…

At that thought, Jack straightened up and shifted his position. He was here for a specific reason and he didn't need memories of Sam's… skills… distracting him.

He knew for a fact that she hadn't left her lab in almost 9 hours. It would have been 32 hours but he ordered her home the day before and banned her from coming back to the base for a minimum of 8 hours.

He watched as her long elegant fingers danced over the keys. She reminded him of a pianist, just lost in the music. Her beautiful face lost in a trance of numbers and symbols. She often got like this, usually when she had some sort of brain wave and was trying to write a paper. Her muse had clearly struck and she was not to be distracted by anything, not even a make-out session with him (which she made clear yesterday).

Luckily, Jack knew just the thing to stop her from working. He raised his fist and knocked on the door jamb. To her credit, she stopped typing for a few moments and acknowledged his presence, "Sir."

"Hey, Carter. Whatcha doing?" He asked in a singsong tone.

"Working sir," came her short reply. She didn't sound pissed at being distracted, but there was a hint of annoyance at having lost her place. So she definitely wasn't in a playful mood.

She returned her eyes to the screen in front her and then picked up the whiteboard pen. She drew a few more squiggles and numbers on the board before replacing the lid to the pen with a click. She swivelled back to face him with a questioning look on her face. He realised he hadn't said anything in the last 2 minutes.

He just stood there with his hands in his pocket and smiled awkwardly at her. When he still didn't say anything, she asked "Was there something you needed?" Pause. "Sir." She was good at that. She had perfected her subordinate insubordination. She flirted with the line on occasion and he knew he shouldn't think this but it kinda made him proud.

"Yeah, I noticed you've been here a while. Thought you might want to stretch your legs and grab a bite to eat."

Without missing a beat she replied, "I'm not hungry sir, but thanks." With that she turned back to her laptop and started clacking away at it. That was her way of saying he was dismissed. Damn, he knew it should annoy him but he did love how she politely stuck it to the man.

"When was the last time you ate, Carter?"

When she stopped to think about the answer, he knew it had been too long. Probably not at all today.

"Alright, come on, you need to eat! Food is fuel for your brain right?"

She gave him a soft smile and said, "Thank you sir, but really I am in the middle of this. It's really important." And then she went back to tapping.

So seduction hadn't worked yesterday and food didn't work today. Jack racked his brain thinking of something else…and then he hit gold.

"Well that's too bad, Carter. I signed the requisition form for jello earlier this week and we should be getting in a shipment today, so…."

He watched her stop completely and turn to face him fully for the first time since he entered her lab.

"Jello…sir?" There had sadly been a jello shortage recently. A combination of supplier issues and failed deliveries.

He clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "Why yes, we've got it all. There's some red jello, green jello, even some pink jello…" his voice trailed.

"Is…is there blue?" The look of hope in her eye was so endearing. And right then he knew he had her.

"Why yes colonel, I believe there is" he finished with a smirk.

"Well I guess the work could wait a few minutes…" And she started to tidy her papers and press save on her computer.

Jack wanted to start dancing at his victory and it took every inch of his training not to let the corner of his mouth even twitch.

"Excellent," he said in his Burns impression. He pointed his arm in the air and loudly stated "Off to the commissary we go!" He considered it a double victory as he managed to get a little giggle out of her too.

He let her walk past him and as they reached the door, he reached out and gently grabbed her arm. She turned to him and their eyes met. He took a step closer and he was most certainly invading her personal space. Their stance was definite intimate. He could smell her shampoo and it was so overwhelming. He let his warm eyes lose themselves in her bright ones. He saw a slight flush creeping up her neck as he dropped his gaze briefly to her lips before returning to her eyes. His hand was still holding her wrist and he could feel her pulse quickening.

He lowered his head forward, as close as he could without touching. Her response was to lift her head slightly in anticipation of the kiss.

"Carter," Jack whispered. "Your goggles."

"My goggles," she whispered back, unfocused. Then slowly she realised what he said. "Wait, what…?"

Jack straightened up and let go of her wrist. He stepped around her and continued to the door with the biggest shit eating grin on his face. "The googles on your head, Carter. You look like a bug."

Sam took the googles off and caught up with him at the elevator as he was pressing the button to go up. He was still chucking to himself and the look of annoyance on her face, the redness in her cheeks and the lines the googles had imprinted on her forehead made him smile even more. She really was adorable.

As they stepped into the empty cart, Sam folded her arms and looked at him from the corner of her eyes. "Your really are an ass, Jack O'Neill."

Jack huffed another laugh as he pressed the floor he wanted. The smirk didn't leave his face for several hours.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi guys! Thank you so much for all your comments! I've taken a 10 year break from writing and reading fanfic, so it's lovely to come back to such positive comments. My old stuff was written when I was still a kid so it's not the best and I wasn't sure I had improved much in that time haha! The warm reception is definitely motivating.

I've spent a good month writing chapter 3 (I've written and deleted it at least 5 times) and I'm still not happy with it... But I'm giving up and just uploading it! Please let me know where you think I could improve this chapter and I will make changes!

* * *

Jack O'Neill should have been in pure bliss right now. It was a lovely bright and warm day and he was sat on his couch with his feet up, beer in one hand and remote in the other and a hot blonde sat next to him.

However, he most certainly wasn't in the heavenly mood he so wanted. Pissed was a more apt word. Why you ask? Because said blonde, who should have been tucked to his side, laughing at his jokes was not paying one ounce of attention to him. Some idiot scientist from the SGC just had to call Sam for an opinion on a stupid project. Hence spending the last 45 minutes listening to her arguing about variables and factors and blah blah blah. All of it cutting into his precious little time off with her.

The last few weeks had been a whirlwind of happiness. Following the first date and kiss, the two had become inseparable, slowly entwining their lives. Suddenly, Sam's toiletries found a place on his bathroom shelf, and his favourite beers were a common sight in her fridge.

Luckily, both Sam and Jack's last day at the SGC was yesterday. Neither started in their new posts until the following week which in Jack's mind gave them the perfect opportunity to spend a few relaxing days together before starting to pack up their respective houses and driving opposite sides of the country from each other.

However, here he was, sat on his couch on his first day off and he was bored out of his grey head. He should have been making out with the beautiful woman, who was now pacing the living room (and blocking the TV he might add). But no, he was having to lean around her figure (smoking figure) to just see a corner of the TV. He sure as hell couldn't hear it over her talking.

"…don't think you understand that theory at all, Doctor. You've input the incorrect variable and…" She'd clearly been interrupted mid-flow and she was turning slightly red. She was in the middle of the same heated debates that she got into with McKay, though this was a touch politer. She sat back down on the armchair by the window, clearly settling in for the long haul. Well, at least she moved away from the TV so he could see the yellow people again.

He listened to 5 more minutes with the TV on mute before quickly realising he wasn't going to be adding cartoon lip reading to his combat skills. Jack couldn't take it anymore and he quickly needed to get control of the situation again.

"Think O'Neill," he muttered to himself bringing his beer to his lips. He narrowed his eyes as he disappointingly noted his glass bottle was empty. At least getting another drink would give him time to escape this hellish conversation and think of a conniving plan.

He stood up and stretched his long limbs quickly, before lifting his bottle to her in a silent gesture of asking if she wanted another. She ignored him as she stood up and resumed her pacing again. Jack rolled his eyes and huffed in annoyance before trudging up the steps and making his way to the kitchen. He dropped his empty beer bottle in the overflowing recycling and watched it roll off the top and onto the floor with a CLACK and smashing into pieces.

"Great," Jack groaned. "Just great."

He could hear Sam's pacing coming closer and looked up half way through picking up the glass pieces. She was stood in the kitchen doorway, hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and coolly said "Jack, can you keep it down?" She immediately did an about face and was gone from view.

Jack was still sat dumbfounded on his knees when he started grumbling under his breath, "Sure, Carter. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. Just dandy. I'll keep it down…" He picked up the last piece of glass and disposed of it before standing back up with a pop of his knees and wincing at the twinge.

He went to the fridge for another beer but changed his mind and decided to make coffee. He had to think. This was just another mission with an objective, and that objective was to salvage the rest of the day and regain control. Sure, she was on a work call but from the sounds of the call, they're not anywhere near agreeing. Also, she no longer worked at the SGC therefore technically not her problem.

As he waited for the coffee, the General put his years of field experience into use and came up with various plans to distract his favourite person. He carefully walked with 2 steaming mugs back to the living room. Sam had just finished pacing again and was settling back onto the couch whilst talking a million miles a minute into her cell phone.

Jack slowly took his original seat next to her and handed her one cup, which she barely acknowledged. He knew she was like this; she gets so sucked into work that the world around her can fall away. As annoying as it could be, he also found it so endearing and adorable. He shook his head at that thought, he was most definitely getting soft in his old age.

As he settled back in his seat, coffee cup in hand, he set his evil Plan to Distract Carter into action.

Plan A, make her uncomfortable by staring at her until she freaks out. Admittedly, not a very comprehensive plan, but he knows she has a sixth sense to when he's looking at her and hopefully it'll prompt some sort of reaction. Jack turned in his seat , leaning one arm on the back of the couch and just watched her.

He stared right at the side of her head before tracing the outline of her face. His gaze slowly drifted down her rosy cheeks, her firm jaw, her slim neck and to her collarbones. He counted each and every freckle along her shoulder before let his eyes wander back up to her cheeks. Speaking of which, they were definitely getting redder, so she knew he was watching but she resolutely ignored him.

Hmm… plan B it is then. He lifted a notepad of the coffee table and started balling up bits of paper and with an intense look of focus on his face, Jack began to fling them at her head. Surely, this would prompt a reaction out of her?

Well in a way it did but not what he wanted. He managed to fling 6 whole balls at her before she snatched notepad from his hand and sat on it. He raised one eyebrow at her and lamely flicked the last remaining ball in his hand before huffing and sitting back on the couch.

So plan B of annoying her was also a bust. However, in Jack's experience Plans A and B always fail and as an experienced field operative, he knows to have a Plan C ready. The bonus of Plan C is that it's always his favourite plan. He turned back to her and lifted an arm around her to bring her closer. He leaned over and started with kissing the bare skin on her shoulder, slowly working his way up to her neck. He quickly looked up again to see the reaction, and her head was tilted to the side and eyes closed in a picture of pleasure.

Jack couldn't help revel in his victory and smirked into her neck before continuing his hot kisses on her neck and pressing his free hand absently stroking her stomach. He was definitely feeling an incredible sense of male pride as he heard Sam's quiet inhale and felt her hand clasp over his on her stomach.

But alas, his victory was short-lived. The monotonous drone he could hear on the other end of the phone had stopped, which sadly popped Sam's bubble of pleasure very quickly. Without warning, she pushed Jack's hands away from her, stood up to cross the room and sat back down in the armchair before glaring at him and resuming the conversation as if nothing had happened. Though she definitely sounded a little breathless, which helped soothe Jack's wound.

Plan D was childish but now he was turned on, frustrated, annoyed and he no longer was finding her technobabble endearing or cute. He set a stony look on his face and pressed hard on the volume button on the TV and waited for the noise to continue climbing and climbing. Sam turned back to him and with a silent warning, she stood up again but slid open the door to his deck and continued her conversation outside.

"Crap…" Jack muttered to himself and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. Pissed off, he switched off the TV and threw the remote onto the empty space next to him and stormed off into his bedroom, but not before slamming the door.

Despite Jack's gruff appearance, deep down he was always quite needy when in a relationship. He loved cuddling someone at night, or on the couch. Hell, he would have taken the technobabble if it was aimed at him. He knew he was being selfish and petulant but he didn't care. He has such little time with her that he wanted to make the most of it before they both parted ways. Long distance relationships are tough enough.

Add that to the fact that Jack also hated giving up on a tough mission and retreating; the whole picture was a rich tapestry.

Another thing Jack realised about Sam was that when she was in technobabble mode, she just needed to burn through it before she would come out. Rather than wait around for her to finish, he might as well start packing up the house.

He pulled a few empty boxes out of his room and decided to start with the guest room. He labelled the boxes "keep", "donate" and "trash" and managed to work through the room he finished tackling the closet, there was one last item left at the back of the shelf; something he hadn't seen in a while. His old motorbike helmet. He hadn't ridden his bike in years, though he kept up maintenance of it. The DC townhouse the government had set up for him didn't have any allocated parking and he was trading in his truck for a smaller city car so there was no way he could take the bike with him.

He carefully lifted it from the back and turned it in his hands. The carefree memories of his childhood came rushing back all too quickly. Of sitting on the back of his old man's bike, on a cold frosty Minnesotan morning, tearing down the road and the rush of feeling. His dad was a tough gruff alpha male but loved his mother and him more than anything. One of his happiest memories is when he was 15 years old, his father had gifted him a beat up old bike that he bought from his neighbour. Jack spent months bonding with his dad fixing up the bike in time for his 16th birthday when he took it out on the road all by himself.

Taking this bike out one last time for old times sake was the least he could do. It also gives him something else to do now that he's finished with the spare room and he could hear Sam still on the phone.

He went to the closet in his bedroom and dug around for his leather gear, hoping it would still fit. Sam's gear was piled up on the chair in the corner. His leather trousers were a no-go so he put on some black jeans, a white t-shirt and put his leather jacket and boots on. He walked down the hallway back into the living room with helmet under arm and his jacket undone.

He walked down the steps and went over to the bowl where he kept all the keys and dug around for the ones to the garage and the bike. He turned around and glanced quickly at Sam and said, "Carter, I'm going out for a sec" before making his way back to the door.

However he didn't make it all the way as a voice shouted "Wait!"

Sam was stood by the window, bright blue eyes on him, staring almost in shock. "No not you, doctor, one second." She covered the mouthpiece of the phone and asked "Whe..where are you going?" Her eyes travelling up and down his figure and then to the motorbike helmet under his arm.

Maybe he found a way to end the conversation from hell. He decided to go for nonchalant.

"Just out, for a ride." He saw that look in her eyes. The same look she has when she rides her bike, when she competed in the Loop of Kon Garat. The adrenaline junkie in her was slightly more interested in this than continuing the conversation with doctor boring.

"Wanna come?" he asked.

He saw her swallow and her eyes flash with excitement. She uncovered the mouthpiece of her phone and said, "Doctor, I'm sure we can debate the merits of both our points of view for a long time. Let's just leave it at, we agree to disagree ok."

Jack could hear a raised voice coming through the phone. Clearly this Doctor could not agree to disagree. Sam just rolled her eyes and simply disconnected the phone throwing her cellphone on the couch. She walked passed Jack giving him a quick peck on the lips before rushing to get her jacket, boots and helmet from the bedroom.

As she came back to the hallway, she had a wide smile and her electric blue eyes were alight. "Ready?" she asked.

Jack held open the door and said "After you." He wasn't taking chances that the phone would ring.


End file.
